I haven't been posting because I've been busy trying to live my life. I spent Thanksgiving with my family, who I have grown more appreciative for every single day. I love them & they love me. 'nuff said. I give thanks for my son, for my family, & for a warm place to stay. By warm I don't just mean temperature, but loving & caring & safe. My house right now is better, but not great. I have other places that are warm though, & it is those that I refer to. I am trying not to get too bitchy with M, but I get very annoyed at his lack of responsibility. We are behind on the bills because I can't (&won't) spend all of my money covering what he spends freely. I pay my share & try to let go of the fact that things are lagging behind, It's very difficult letting go, & I do a very bad job of not taking it out on him. I feel like I'm always the one to take up the slack, to take care of things, to clean & mother those who need me. I don't want to be naive anymore. My goodness of heart comes with prices. You can't just take all of what I have & give nothing back. M & I were being nice to each other lately, making dinners together to save money, & caring for G. I had no illusions about the situation, but it was nice to get along like friends for once. Then he overdrew his personal account, & had to borrow $ from me. The fees he had to pay came out of the money we were supposed to be spending for the bills. That $50 could have paid off the rest of our gas bill. This is why I get so bitchy. I don't want to be a mother to a 31 yr old, nor should I have to. He should know when his bills are due, & how much $ he has in his own acct. I want to be good to people & I want to take care of others. In fact, I would say that doing so makes me happier than I would be if I did not care. Problem is, where do you draw the line? When does taking care of others become being taken advantage of? Is M doing just that? Knowing full well that I can't leave dishes in the sink, or a dirty bathroom, or unpaid bills? The next relationship I'm in, I want communication & equality of chores! And probably a host of other stuff too.
I have been getting out with friends. I saw New Moon last Sat at the theater.I spent the 2 Sat's before that at Pam's house having dinner & talking with girlfriends & finding out what it means to work through problems in a marriage. She & Mark have had issues, but they went to see therapists & they are doing better. They are communicating & working through the issues. More importantly, I have been realizing why I need a divorce, & what I haven't been getting out of this relationship. I need so much more from a partner that I haven't been given, nor will I get here. Pam has been my best friend for 13 yrs, and she is the wisest 28 yr old I know. It's been really good seeing her & I forgot how much I need her in my life. She validates my feelings & offers other points of view & tells me when I'm being wrong. I need to hang out with so many more people. There are many friends who do that for me. I just wish I had more time. Ok, work in the morning so I'm going to bed. I will try to post more often.

Dear Hypatia42, Happy birthday to you! So glad to have met you & so glad to be knowing you! Lots of love on your day! 

So, I have been doing the freaking dishes everyday for months upon months upon months. I have tried to make rules about the dishes, like you make it you do it for oh...about the last two weeks. !( Here is where I rant... )
        So, in the end, if I don't get out of this house in the next few months I think I may have to beat someone to death with their own shoes. It has yet to be determined whether that is M or myself for letting it all aggravate me & push my buttons. :)  I am really trying to take steps to better myself, but they become moot when I have negativity around me all the time. I called a therapist, but she seems to only have daytime hours right now. I don't think I can work an hour long session into my workday, because then I'd be taking an hour lunch, and not actually be able to eat lunch, and have to stay a half hour later on top of my workday. sigh. I think I should call around & see if I can find one who works more than 1 night/week. Oh, and takes my insurance that will soon be taken away & changed to a different company in January. After the stress of last weekend & the constant outbursts/fights/name calling & the divorce & the chores I am constantly doing, I'm going to explode. I can't do this on my own, and thankfully I have some friends who are willing to help me work on making myself whole, positive, and happy again. First thing is to control my shadowy side that is asking for justice, vengance, and reparation for the hurt that was caused. M will never give a shit, so it's time to let it go.Trying to make him angry or hurt only makes me hurt more. So, a couple of baby steps, but important ones. Just gotta keep making baby steps everyday, like Gavin Monkey. I used some time this week making homemade foods for G. Baked Mac & cheese, zucchini, bananas & apples,The babysitter says he eats the homemade foods better that the jar stuff, and it's healthier, and it makes me feel good to cook a meal for my wonderful son. That's something very positive I did that makes me feel proud & happy & motherly. Yay me! 

So, in an effort to reduce costs, and to start to separate his & hers, the house phone will be shut off tomorrow. We will stil have the internet, and our individual cell phones. If anyone needs me,wants me, or doesn't have my digits already, my number is 908-619-0197. Sorry for the last minute notice, but I was trying to get a hold of Verizon forever & I finally found out that it will be disconnected. I'm going to try to put a cranky G to bed.

It was amazing to be around so many people who made me feel loved and respected and wanted. It made me happy and fun and free! It was a bittersweet festival because I'm going through a lot of work about love, and what it is to love, and how I can love myself more. And how I can learn to love others again. It dawned on me that my attachment to my husband was an attachment to the man he used to be, and not the one he is now. It has become very hard to be around him because he allows me to feed into the mis-perception that I am not worthy of love. It is hard to love someone when all they do is make you feel crappy about yourself. So here is where I vent...I came home Sunday night exhausted. I was falling asleep at the wheel on the drive home. I came home to find that there was a pile of dirty, wet diapers thrown on the back deck. They weren't in garbage bags, and they were soggy as hell because of the rain. I asked why they were not picked up & the response I got was that caring for the baby took up all of the weekend. Yet he had time to go visit Gabe. I said that being a single parent meant taking responsibility for cleaning up after his son, and that it was unacceptable for me to come home to a disgusting home. The vacuuming was not done, & the toys were everywhere too. I got called names again, & it's been that way for 24 hrs. I'm tired of being looked down upon. I'm tired of not getting respect & not being treated like a human being. I feel, I hurt, I love. This sucks, and I said it was not right, & I got told that he doesn't give a fuck. He'll say what he wants & do what he wants & fuck everyone else. SCREW THAT! If I'm being accused of having no compassion for anyone else, someone should look in his own mirror. I'm really glad I went to FoV because it showed me that I am fine just the way I am. I can be hot, and I am wanted & I am a good person. Coming home just reaffirmed why I'm going to see the lawyer on Thursday. I don't want to hold on to the past. It isn't helping me or doing Gavin any better. It's time to move on for myself. The only way to do that is to break this bad marriage. He says he doesn't have the money to file the divorce, and that's only because he bought a new amp, rented a violin, took out $50 for something else, and bought at least 4 packs of cigarettes in the last 2 weeks. Plus eating out everyday. I bet if you add all that up, he could have saved up at least half of the divorce money. The fact is he will never file it. It took him 2 yrs to file the last divorce from his first wife, and that was only because I came along & he fell for me. How much have I changed? Is it for the worse like I believe his to be? Mike might be dropping the ball in all areas, but have I? What can I learn from all of this? I know I will be happier without him. I will be happier doing things my own way, because I can be responsible for myself and Gavin. I know I'm a great Mom, and I will be there for Gavin and provide him with the structure he needs. The trick here is to make sure I don't lose focus. I have changed, but I am still there for people who I at one point cared for. I am trying to treat people like I want to be treated, and I hope that comes back to me threefold. It is difficult sometimes with the ex,but I am trying as much as possible. My patience wears thin. 
       In better news, I kissed a few wonderful people over the weekend. I am finding that affection for others comes in many different ways, and you never can know who will be there for you when you need them most. It is those people who made the weekend special for me. Thank you very much.

I'm finding it increasingly difficult to let go of past behaviors & relationships that are not healthy. I try to set up boundaries & become thwarted. I try to communicate to the best of my ability (which is pretty sucky at the moment) & I feel as though I'm getting condescension & mockery of my emotions. I know I'm not stable. I know I'm not perfect or a mind-reader, or a very good communicator right now. I'm hurt & I'm angry & I don't know how to just let go & move on with my life & the future. A few things are preventing this from happening: 1. There is no set routine/schedule to live my life by. Without having set days for watching G, I am forced to live day by day not knowing if M will be watching his son or have plans. Therefore, I cannot make plans for my life unless I check in with M first. This means he gets first pick of days for whatever he wants. Usually M is accomodating, but I find this "schedule" frustrating and annoying. Having set days with G will give me time for myself without G, to think about life plans/goals. It will also give me days to plan things in advance, like outings with G or doctor's appointments, etc. This I thought was reasonable & I find it frustrating that M will not even discuss a routine with me & simply refuses. 2. I cannot break old patterns. I push buttons that I know will aggravate & annoy because I am hurt & want M to feel hurt too. He & I have very different grieving processes. I mourn & deny & cry & wallow for a long time. Then I get angry & lash out. He lets go of his responsibilities & focuses on himself & what he needs. I should be a little more like both of us, grieve & then find a focus. Trouble there is that I am carrying the responsibilities at the house, & I have little time to focus. I can cry & wallow at home & still manage to get my dishes done, watch G, clean the bathroom, do laundry, & vacuum. I can only focus more on myself if I am given more time with myself. Hence, the schedule... 3. I am exhausted. I lknow, M didn't sleep for a whole year because of G, & if I'm sleeping 6 hrs a night with only 1 feeding break in the middle then I can't complain, right? Wrong. I'm in such a bad mood because I'm not getting my rest. I just can't sleep some nights because I'm alone & lonely & miserable. Then I think about being alone for a long time & I have nightmares about divorce. Ugh. It sucks. The nights when G actually sleeps are the worst, & I hate that. Because I could actually be getting sleep but my subconscious is unhappy & scared,  These are the first 3 things that need to be fixed. Next up are: find a new job, talk to a therapist, and seek out a lawyer.
         On a more positive note, I was good to myself for the most part yesterday. I bought myself little pink carnations which look & smell pretty. I dresed up for rit, & I looked lovely. I made a bunch of potato salad & I'll be taking it to work tomorrow. I did try to be sociable at TH. I listened to stories, & had some laughs. Upcoming event this weekend is a positive thing. I'll be interested in snuggling by the fire in the cool autumn air. Or being told that I look pretty, with feeling & intent to increase my level of happiness. I will continue to burn a candle to the green man overnight because last night when I cried myself to sleep I felt him there & it was peaceful. I have a feeling he will be helping me sleep in the weeks to come. I  need a presence there with me at night. I've always been so afraid of being on my own. Now that I'm going to be, I will need the help of some patient dieties. I will try to continue to be stronger each day, and give thanks for what I do have in my life. Like G, & my family & my friends. I am very thankful that you guys let me vent. Holding it all in is killing me, and I know I am a horrible drama queen when I'm upset. I should try to change that as well. I'm really trying to grow up here, but it's going very slowly.

Holidays kind of suck now. I have had Gavin all weekend, and today G & I are going to my uncle's house to a BBQ. I did get out of the house on this long weekend, so it's not like I sat here depressed. I sat at my friends' house depressed.  I took G on Sat & spent the night there, but on Sun I just couldn' t take it anymore. I get anxious to come home because it doesn't feel like home to me. Everything is moved around, and I am currently typing on the floor of the front room. Home Pie is more like Home Destruction. I was talking with Pam about my inability to feel good about myself. After so long of feeling inadequate you get worn down. I was trying to understand why I feel like I'm not good enough or don't deserve to be loved anymore. I feel like I should be with someone who punishes me, or makes me feel like crap about myself. I've always had this problem & it's getting worse. I've ended up with partners who use me for what they can & then discard me when I get too attached. Or maybe the problem is that I start feeling bad about myself & make that person my world. Then I suffocate them & they run away from me as fast as they can. Can you tell I'm depressed today? How do you love yourself when you don't have a partner? I have always been with someone else, & being alone terrifies me. I don't know how to boost my own self-confidence because I keep tearing it down. I just keep saying that I'm not rich enough, or cute enough, or thin enough, or thoughtful enough, or a good enough mother, or a good enough wife. And it makes me want to hurt myself and everything around me. I'm so damn fucking angry!!! What's wrong with me? I am cute, & thoughtful, & I wish I could just get over the fact that 1 person in the world doesn't like me anymore and move on to liking myself. I guess it's a process. I just hope I come out of all this without losing my mind. It's very taxing to not call names, or make fun of people's shortcomings, or to attack someone else because I feel like crap. Once again, I say things before I think about them & it hurts others. How long before it stops hurting? Other women I've talked to said various timeframes, but 5 years is just torture. I need to pull myself out of this before then or I won't have a life, or friends, or myself. Arrrgh.                                                     

                 So, what exactly does someone who cares do about someone who is on the verge of a rocky part in the path? How do you help someone who thoroughly shuts you out? I know, you can't help them. All you can do is listen and ask the right questions. And be there for them. I think Neophyte and Second are a very dangerous combination. This is giving me impetus to finish that damn ritual and get my ass on the path. Watching another beautiful, lovely dedication makes me realize that it's time to be moving on. And it's about fucking time. It all makes sense now. SO, I've been writing this thing at work for months and in the last few days shit just broke in my head. I'm thinking again. And functioning again. And giving a shit about other people who are having a hard time. That's how I know that it's time to put one foot in front of the other. I can't see the forest for the trees, but I know it's there waiting for me once I cross through. I'm stronger than I thought I was. I can deal with situations that break my heart. I can learn to live with the feelings of disappointment, but I can't live with disrespect. Time to worry about where my path leads, and where exactly I am on it. Although I am genuinely concerned for others who are going through rough times, I am also concerned about me and my tough times. Balance is a thing that I struggle with on a daily basis. I can care for others and myself, as long as others show me the same respect. I'm learning that some of my best qualities are my compassion, patience, and loyalty. However, these are good in moderation as well. I can't be so compassionate that I stop caring about me. I can't be so patient that I get walked upon. And I can't be so loyal that I stick around while I'm being disrespected, walked upon, or not cared for in turn.
             I'm really confused about love. I know things are not good, but I still love him. I am finding that one of my weaker points is my stubbornness. I stick with an idea until it gets ripped away from me, and then I mourn it. I shouldn't be so hung up on what I planned would happen. Life is about flexibility, and change is part of that flex. So, when life changes, you should flex with it. I know what my problem is, but it will take some time to just bend like a reed in the wind. I'm learning to adjust slightly. Good things can come from what you didn't expect. Well,at least I'm hoping that will happen. Do I keep loving? Yes. Do I keep being stubborn? Yes, but only when it is truly important to me. Compromise is a much better alternative to stubborn. Adaptation to a creatures' surroundings can save the creature from predators. It can also keep the creature from adventure and finding new foods, or friends, or things in general. So, today's lesson boys and girls is balance is very important! Otherwise you fall flat on your face...

                LJ is my way of getting out my emotions on paper. This is my blog, and although I may fly off of the handle sometimes, it is completely in my rights to do so. I am upset about my divorce, and that means I will say things I don't mean sometimes. I'm not trying to make Mike look like a bad man, because he's not. He's right, he did offer to take care of both Gavin & I. But for now it's just words, and nothing is set in stone. I believe he's sincere, but I'm so hurt sometimes that I neglect to mention the positive and dwell on the negative. We are just both going through things in our separate lives that are difficult. I don't want people to think that I am not at fault because I'm not a perfect person, by any means. I get so upset about the littlest things that are nothing to others. I'm obsessive and controlling when I want to be. But I care very much for people, friends and family especially. I DON'T WANT A DIVORCE! But I have no choice. I can't change someone else to make them who or what I need. I don't want to be compared to another person who has their shit together because I don't. I've gone through a lot this year, and most of it has been in my own head. So, this is a formal apology to my soon to be ex-husband because he deserves it, at least a little. I just post things because I don't have any other way of thinking through them in my head. Writing everything down seems to work better.
               So, I got very jealous today. It's hard to watch someone you love loving another person. It fucks with your head. I cried to my parents today about what a shitty person I am for not finding a higher paying job after Gavin was born. I could've tried harder. I could've not done the housework, or not read my book. But, I had a baby some people say. Well, yes, but I also lost myself in the process. I always wanted to be a mother and have a family that wasn't so dysfunctional as the one I grew up in. When I got that, I didn't understand that it isn't all that I am. I'm not just someone who does the laundry, or takes care of Gavin, or cleans the toilet, OR is a bank teller. I AM A PERSON WHO IS BEAUTIFUL AND DESERVES RESPECT.  I can be sexy, and wanted, and have fun while still being a Mom. I can have goals and reach them everyday. I can call people and chat with them about things that make my brain hurt because I don't understand. And maybe get a fresh perspective.  I have been feeling like there's something wrong with me for a long time. No motivation, depression, and feeling like I don't deserve to be loved. I need touch, and emotion, and love from people who love me. I need it like crazy. I just want hugs and kisses and snuggles all of the time. I crawled into my shell and hid. I'm crawling out again. I need friends. I need people who genuinely care for me and who realize that I'm an emotional train wreck sometimes. And who love me anyway. And I'm finding that even if I have dirty laundry, at least I'm honest about it. If someone judges me for it, well then they don't have to be around me. I'm trying to be more positive about myself in the face of some adversity. It's slow going, but it's going. I have always feared change so much that I have been frozen and unwilling to take the necessary steps forward. It's time to grab the bull by the horns and ride.
             My weekend plan is as follows: Applebees for 1/2 price appetizers on Friday night. Work Sat morning, then go to M & D's. Possibly go to New Hope if the weather is nice. Sat night is L's party. Sunday is clean up day and veg out. So, it's good to have plans again. And it's things I can do with Gavin in tow. Who is freakin' adorable. This is the cool age and I'm going to enjoy the hell out of it. He passed out in my lap while I was chatting this evening. I kept him out way too late, but he was comfy and loved anyway. His smile makes everything better sometimes, and it takes away alot of the feelings of low self-worth that I have been struggling with. On my way home from TH I hit an orange parking cone that was in the middle of the road. I had to pull over and yank it out from under my car in my pretty yellow skirt. Hehehe! I couldn't avoid hitting the thing, and I fucked it up pretty good! I think the car's ok, and it's a good thing it was 12:30 am because no one saw me feeling like a jackass. It took a couple of tugs to get it out too! It's all just a part of my ridiculous cuteness and finess. Ha!

So, MIke and I are getting divorced. I don't want it but he does and it is really happening. There are things to figure out, and this is the first day since sunday that i haven't cried all day. he wants me to move out of our house, and he said gavin could live with me. But i don't have enough money to live on my own, and i would end up living in a room at my parents' house with my son and four others. Mom, alcoholic dad, my sister & her fiance. Whereas mike would live here,in a big house by himself, and make the mortgage payments. i don't know what to do because if something happens to mike or his job, or he just forgets one month, then my credit gets screwed & i'm responsible. and i wouldn't even live here. We were going to sell the house when the market gets better. We bought the place for more than what it could sell at.  Mike seems to want me gone pretty quickly, and i told him i wouldn't leave until we talked to a lawyer about the house & our credit card debt. also, i want to be officially divorced before all this happens. How long does it take to get divorced in NJ? Pam said about 6 months. I know mike has to deal with me for the rest of our lives because of gavin, and i know he wouldn't screw me over. But still, shit happens. I'm really sad that it's not working out, but we have been treating each other much better since the decision & i can't disagree that it would be for the best. I need someone who can be here for me and make me happy. Mike just wants to do whatever he wants, and be free to live his life. I have no idea what i'm going to do, and i'm still all confused that we can't work things out. I don't like to give up & i feel like we have given up. I need some advise about what to do here. I like this house and want to live here. My friend pam said since he wants the divorce he should pay for g & i to live here. I don't want to screw him over either, though. There can't be bad feelings here because we literally will have to deal with each other everyday because of g. Mike would get him from day care, and have him til he goes to work at 9ish. Then I'd have him overnight while mike works, and i guess we'd split the weekends. I really want to have g during the day too, but i know mike will make plans some days and so will i & we'll trade off like we have been. i would appreciate if anyone has any energy to send it our way. This whole thing is very hard.

SO, I'm trying. I have not gotten upset today but I am really tired. This could be from hubby coming home at 4 am, where I wake up, and baby needing to eat at 6am, where I wake up. Ugh. Will I ever in my life get a full 8 hrs non-stop of sleep? Hopefully... So I came home after working an 8 hr day, made dinner, took 1/2 hr nap, cleaned the entire bathroom, and did the dishes. Now I'm posting and I think I will meditate and start on my rit. It's just about time for me to be doing things for me to change and move on. I somehow get stuck and feel comforted in relying on the past. I can't do that. I need to work toward the future. So, I have an interview for Clear Channel of Allentown on Mon. It's a radio job for WZZO/B104. The original position I applied for was marketing consultant. I am pretty excited but nervous as to whether I can do the job. It might be sales, and I am not the best bullshitter. We'll see what happens. I hope it pays more money because then we can get a sitter for G & M can sleep & maybe start going back to college or we can look for a bigger house or something. I feel like I hold him back from living his life and I want him to do what makes him happy. I just hope I still make him happy. Things are a little tense around here. He keeps waiting for me to snap again, and I keep waiting for him to yell & leave me. The only thing I can do is to not snap and get my credibility as a normal loving person back. I don't understand why things are so difficult yet they feel like they are getting better. I love talking out our issues, because they don't fester and get worse. I think he's afraid to talk to me now because of my instability. I'm so sorry I flipped out. I can't take that back, but I wish I could. I'm learning though. I'm thinking more about the things I say & do. I'm worried because we haven't had sex in a few days. I think it's because of the communication mess and that M is stressed out. He won't talk about it, but I am a major part of his stress. So, I'm trying not to be. That involves keeping my shit in my head, and talking through the important stuff. I feel like I try to keep out of his way and always just end up in the path. I'm learning to step aside and let him figure out what he needs to in his own time. It's requiring a lot of patience on both sides. HOw long will he wait to see if I can be better? I fear it's not long. We love each other, but the fighting has got to end. I have never been in a relationship where I did not fight with my partner. If I ever get another partner, I hope it's one that I don't fight with. I want to enjoy our time together and not create or deal with stress and drama. I need to chill out, and that's half the problem. So, I'm trying, and I'm here, and I'm letting the gods rebuild me to be a stronger woman. Oi!

I don't do change well. I never have and I probably will never just be one of those people who can watch their emotions go by without reacting to them. It is becoming a big struggle for me to not react in a bad way. Usually I cry or punch something or act like a five year old who just got a toy taken away. I am finding that it is ruining my relationship with my husband. I get jealous & stupid over tiny things that don't bother normal people. Is this just part of the post-pardum depression? Nope probably not. I have only been this way with one other significant other in my life & it destroyed that relationship. People need friends and to have others in their life. I have built this wall around myself much like I did when I was 16, where I let no one but my partner in and keep everyone else at a distance. It becomes so bad that I get jealous every time his phone rings. I'm trying to figure out why I have this gut reaction and ways I can deal with it in a mature adult way instead of slamming doors and yelling and punching things. My boyfriend at the age of 16 said it was because of my father that I had such trust issues. It turns out that my gut was right with him though because he ended up cheating on me & I dismissed his analysis as one that was born of a need to turn the situation around on me. Now that I am faced with the emotions and the situation of my husband being poly it is all coming back to weigh heavily on me. I just had a follow up with my doctor and she's upping my prozac dose to 20mg/day. I have started to feel down a bit and my flared temper is making me unstable. I've been crying again and although it may have something to do with the meds and the birth control it has way more to do with my own psyche. Maybe I do have some issues left over from my father and my childhood. Maybe my father's alcoholism has left a permenant mark on me. He is a wonderful father and a good man, but he was usually not sober enough to deal with my family's daily issues. He never talked to me about important life changes, and seldom did he ask about anything that was emotionally upsetting. He and my mother have never had a healthy relationship. They never kiss and sleep in seperate beds. He babbles on about the end of the world and how shitty life is when he is drunk. We all just learned to tune him out every day. He is a hypochondriac, neurotic and paranoid and in his own head all of the time. I have noticed that I am becoming him and it scares the shit out of me. I think that every time the phone rings it is another thing that will take time away from me. I'm afraid that I will end up alone like him because I push people away. Because I can't get out of my own head and JUST BE. It only got worse with S coming into the picture. I realize that it isn't her fault, and that the issues started even before M was in my life. I just wish I knew how to heal them. I am not trying hard enough for my marriage to survive my issues and that is a problem. I want to be married to my hubby & its not just because I want to stay married. I truly love him and what we are when we are happy. How do you repair a wound that may never be repairable? Even if my father stopped his drinking would it help me? I don't think that is the answer. I need to be able to trust that even if I end up divorced I still will make it. That I can rely on myself to get through. The period of my life when I was in college I was confident and had a plan. I wasn't jealous or immature. I was alone and although I was not happy about that aspect I was happy in general. I didn't always need someone so badly. What is the difference now? Do I really need someone else to make me happy? To be in my life? I shouldn't. But I want to share my life with others. I think what I need to do is discover that I am not dependent on another human being. I am dependent on many human beings and first and foremost is myself. I can make me happy if I just do what I need to be happy. I need to practice some detachment from the things I hold too tightly in my hand. I need to learn to let go of things in order for them to grow & flourish. If I can do that, and concentrate on my being instead of on others being, then I will able to heal myself. This is very hard to accomplish because I give so much of myself to others and never take what i truly need. I only take what people want to give me. It is time for me to step up and figure out what is real, and by extension, what is in my head. That is pretty hard to do. I was able to at one point and I know I can do it again. I just hope M can have some faith in me & be patient enough to let me work through my issues. I know I ask for a lot and it has been a long time coming, but things get at least a little better in my head everytime I take the time to work through it. Grrr I am so writing that rit soon. I need to actually be on the path if I'm going to walk it.

This is my first FSG going solo. I'm nervous as all hell. I hope I have fun but I also hope that I come back myself. I am so confused about me right now and it feels like everything is changing way too quickly. I've had a lot to deal with in the last few months and I don't want to add more problems to my confusion. I just want to feel better than I have been. I want to feel loved and secure in a world where that isn't always possible. I want some of my stability back. And I want to achieve it on my own. I don't know how to get it, but I know the only things I can worry about in this world are myself and my son. Because he will always be mine and I will take care of him no matter what. As for everyone else, I hope they stay around but I'm not sure and I guess I never will be. I just keep doing what I need to do to be happy and I hope that is enough. I'm finally coming out of a mild depression due to some wonderful pills. My following steps are to get my life back and to concentrate on me. Because in the end I'm all that I have and if I'm not happy I will be miserable forever. So, I don't know who will be in my life a year from now. And I have to be ok with that. I hope I'll still have my husband because I love him so much, and it kills me to think he won't be there. I hope I still have my family and my baby.  I hope I develop deeper relationships with my friends, because the last few months have shown me that support comes from unexpected quarters. I feel like I'm going away and that I won't come back the same. Maybe I'll be better, or stronger, or just happier. Maybe I can get some time to think and find some answers. Or ask the right questions. My son is a silly bunny. He is hiding a stick behind a pillow and cracking up. Thank the gods I have him. He makes me smile like crazy. I should put him to bed, cause it's late. I'll see some people tomorrow & if anyone sees me alone or sad please hug me & invite me along for the ride. Thanks!

I've been very successful at nothing fun, but everything that is necessary to keep a househole together: dinner, laundry, and cleaning, + working to make money. All fine things, except all work and no play makes the monkey no fun. I've been trying to take a relaxing bath for 3 days  but I never seem to get there. Bonus: Mom watching Gavin for Samhain so I can actually participate in a ritual and feel like I m contributing something. YAY! I might even help clean up that night. The whole thing seems very promising. My coworkers are nice. The one woman's sister is pregnant with twins and is having contractions in her 24th week. The babies are only 1-2 lbs. I hope everyone sends Danielle (the sister) some good energy even if they don't personally know her. It makes me grateful for Gavin's continued health & well-being. Even though he's thwarting my typing by crying and making me bounce him at the same time. I've been thinking a lot about the things I do & why I do them. This introspection is a little hard.  I have been going through some changes due to Mommyhood, and I am finding it difficult to adjust to "not free life". By that I mean having a kid to tote around and not having time in life to exercise or take a relaxing bath. Hopefully it will get better. We'll see... Samhain here I come! I know. I wanted all that I asked for, but why is the grass always greener on the other side? Note to self: Must practice at being grateful, not at being envious...

    Work is now only a 5 minute drive from my house because I got that transfer to Lopat. Even though this saves me 2 hours of driving and $200 in gas per month, I am still getting up earlier than when I was working in Somerville. This is because I am feeding Gavin twice before  head out to work from 8:30-5. Breastfeeding is not going well. I am unable to produce enough to keep him hydrated, so we had to start formula supplements during the day, or when Gavin has eaten his fill of me and is still hungry. I know my milk should have come in a lot better than it has because I can go to work and not leak. I pump at lunch, which is 4 hours after  I normally feed Gavin, so maybe I won't leak. I only feel a bit of pressure when it is time to pump, and I can only pump 2 oz. Gavin has been eating 4 or so every 3-4 hours. This would make me feed him every 2 hours like I was doing before work started. This is not possible with work and so I think I might not be able to breastfeed for very long. This makes me mad because 1. It's cheaper, 2. It's much better for me and esp. Gavin's immune system, and 3. I liked the fact that I could provide for my child. Now I just feel like I can't give him what he needs. I hope I can at least partially feed him for another 2 or 3 months, but I can tell he's getting fed upwith having to work so hard for it. Bottles are much easier. I don't particularly enjoy breastfeeding because I bruise easily and my boobs hurt like all of the time now, but it is cost effective and makes Gavin's poops not so smelly  :)  
   Anyway, work is ok. People there seem nice, and the commute is like 10 minutes with some traffic. I miss my old branch. The way they do things here is for morons who can't take the ball and run with it. Lunchs, poving,a md what ever else you could decide on your own has been pre-scheduled for you. I have a lunch shift that starts before half of the day is over, so the afternoon drags. This branch is slower, and the customers are not as friendly. I am getting my authorization to cash checks over $1000 taken away apparently because this branch won't allow anyone to cash a check that high without someone else watching over their shoulder. Very by-the -book bullshit that I think is for idiots who can't be trusted. I'm hoping this will change when they see I'm not a retard and can actually help out with things that are above high school diploma level.
  Mike has beeen taking Gavin during the day and has not been sleeping as well as he should. Gavin is up more during the day, and so Mike is getting cat naps here and there between feedings. I got almost five hours last night, but it was a 4 and then 1 shot before waking at 6am. I hope we survive this kid! If he sleeps at night it sucks for Mike and if he sleeps at day it sucks for me. I took Gavin after work yesterday so he could get 2 hours before work (this added to the maybe 3 he got all day). Mike has been pretty good about it, and he even made dinner today. He is a good husband and father, and I'm sorry if sometimes I don't show it. There has been a lot of stress and general tension on my past for a while now. I get caught up trying to take care of everyone else that I don't take good care of myself and my needs. This leads to me flipping out and pushing people away. So, I'm sorry if I haven't spoken to many of you out there, but I have been dealing with a lot of stuff here at home. Stuff like, when do I get to take time out for my own sanity when there is no time left in the day to even consider it without feeling tired? I would like to see you all, but I'm afraid things will have to even out first. Maybe in another month or so. My birthday is coming up on Oct. 2nd. I'm working that day, and I got stuck working that Saturday mornign from 9-12 because the other girl I work with has her birthday on that day. Suck, but we need the cash, and at least I'll be home by 12:15. Hopefully, if there is no problems.
   I think I wil try and get to bed now, or really soon.

I never have time to post, so while I have a few minutes before the baby starts crying, I'll share what's on my mind. I feel like I am an only parent. I have no life! The past few weeks I have been the major caretaker, which I normally love doing, but sometimes too much is too much. I have been doing dishes everyday, I vacuumed and mopped on Monday and have been buying clothes for the baby, because a lot of stuff for next spring & summer is on clearance and it saved us some money. All this in between feeding the baby every 2 hours. And it seems like this is not cutting it because he is hungry all of the time, and yesterday he only had 2 poopy diapers when the standard for a healthy baby is 4 or more per day. We are going to the doctor at noon, so I need to ask him his opinion. Frankly, I'm still only pumping 1 oz after 27 mins, so I think we would need to supplement on Monday anyway when I go back to work. I don't know how things are going to get done when both on us are exhausted. We shall see...Mike is definitely going to have to help more. I'm just tired of being to only one who doesn't get even 4 hours of unbroken sleep, feeds the baby, and does chores. Baby's crying, gotta go feed him again, even though I just fed him from 10:30 til 11. Sigh.

        So much to write! The quote/ title of this  entry is what I said after giving birth, exactly to the word. I had a pretty smooth labor, with no drugs whatsoever! I started having contractions on Friday night, the 15 th. Nothing was regular or time able and I had contractions that kept me awake every night until Monday morning. I had them about once an hour during the day on Sat & Sun. I got an average of 5 hours of sleep per night in between contractions. On Monday morning they didn't stop and we were scheduled to be induced at 7:30 anyway, so we went to the hospital. They checked me and found out I was dilated to 8 cm by 8 am. The midwife was shocked, and had to check again just t o be sure. Then everyone had to scramble around to get me ready for the next stage of labor. Everyone wanted to know if I had a high pain tolerance, and I guess I do! I cried a few times over the weekend because of the contractions, but I was fine by Monday because I had gotten used to it by then. I played on the birthing ball to try and dilate the last 2 cm, and I really did have fun bouncing up and down. It took from 8am til 12:30pm to dilate the last 2 cm, and then pushing lasted until Gavin came  out at 3:08. The pushing was the most tedious because I was already exhausted from not sleeping well all weekend. Gavin was also slightly transverse which is why he had trouble dropping the last little bit. I was in all kinds of positions for contractions and pushing: cat/cow, on my side, on my back. I seriously doubted my ability to push this kid out. I felt like it took so long, and I wasn't feeling like I was pushing well enough, and I was not putting my all into it, but I kept trying. I yelled at Gavin to come out  ;) and he finally did after a little while. The pushing was the most mentally demanding thing, because you have to keep from getting discouraged. I had a wonderful nurse who was also a Pagan from San Fransisco. She was the best thing that could've happened to my labor. She wiped my head, got the baby to drop with yoga positions, and was so supportive. I need to write the staff a letter about her! The whole ring-of-fire sucked, and physically that hurt the worst of all. Gavin was born at 8 lbs, 3.9 oz. Apgar scores were 8 @ 1 min, and 10 @5 min. He is the most beautiful boy, and I love him very much. I had no idea how much I would love this piece of myself and Mike. Mike was fantastic by the way. He gets faint about things like needles and IVs, but he stood by me and held my hand the whole time. He even watched them pick poop out of my butt. If that isn't love I don't know what love is. He  cut the cord, and it squirted blood all over his hand. He told me later that he thinks I cured him of his phobia. It was really nice that he was so concerned for me, and still stuck with me. I think  I love him more now than I did before. I did end up with stitches because of a few tears, but minor first and small second degrees. Mike was holding my hand through that too. In the end I think giving birth was a really good test of my self-confidence. I remained calm the entire time and burped alot. I even excused myself! No swearing, but lots of grunting and noises which gave me a minor sore throat for 2 days. I'm just super proud that I did it without wussing out.
     I spent 2 nights in the hospital and that kind of sucked. I slept about 2.5 hours per night between feeding Gavin and getting checked on by nurses. He was so hungry! Breastfeeding has been much easier since my milk actually came in and he is satisfied. Pretty much every nurse in the maternity ward grabbed my boob to teach me how to get him to latch on. That's ok, because I think I may be cured of my being naked and self-conscious phobia. I do however need a much larger bra now because my boobs hurt.
     Sleep  deprivation  sucks. Gavin feeds mostly at night and sleeps during the day. I hope that gets much easier before I start work again. Mike and I have been taking shifts, but Mike goes back to work tonight and it's all Mommy now. Should be an interesting evening...
     Everyone is so happy for us and I love the way my Mom is so excited about having a grandson. She is trying to pick out a cool name because she doesn't like 'grandma' or other popular variations. Thanks go out to everyone who sent out happy thoughts and energy to us.
    The best thing so far about having a baby is watching him. I watch him eat and sleep in total peace, with perfect trust that everything will be fine. It makes me cry because it's so beautiful. I love him more everyday and I would definitely give my life for his, no questions asked. All the pain and lack of rest seems to be more than worth it for this small gift of the Goddess.